Local circles report unprecedented growth in activities as original members become increasingly difficult to locate.
Satire & Commentary
By El Pepito | El Pueblo’ito
It begins innocently enough. A handful of people get together once a week. Perhaps it’s a men’s circle, a women’s circle, or simply a few neighbors who enjoy sitting around talking about life. There are no elaborate expectations, no certifications required, and nobody needs to explain what energy they’re bringing into the space. People show up, talk, laugh, occasionally disagree, and go home feeling a little more connected to their fellow human beings. It’s simple, enjoyable, and remarkably effective.
Naturally, this cannot be allowed to continue.
Enter circlemaxxing, the latest imaginary addition to our culture’s obsession with optimizing absolutely everything. We’ve already embraced looksmaxxing, sleepmaxxing, healthmaxxing, and productivitymaxxing. Apparently, the one remaining frontier was the horrifying possibility that people might gather socially without improving themselves.
Recent developments in a fictional but alarmingly recognizable intentional community suggest that circlemaxxing may already be reaching epidemic proportions. A growing number of men’s and women’s circles have reportedly expanded their activities to include meditation, breathwork, massage, guided reflection, movement exercises, and several practices whose names are understood by approximately half the participants.
The developments have been widely celebrated as evidence of the community’s commitment to personal growth, although several original members appear to have gone missing.
According to sources familiar with the circles, the trouble began when newcomers started offering suggestions for improving the gatherings. Each proposal was enthusiastically received, largely because nobody wanted to appear opposed to healing, connection, or the possibility of becoming a better human being.
Within weeks, the circles had evolved from casual gatherings into sophisticated wellness programs requiring considerable preparation and, in some cases, specialized clothing.
“We’re incredibly proud of how far we’ve come,” explained one fictional organizer. “Originally, people just sat around talking. Now we provide a much more intentional experience.”
When asked whether the original participants had requested these improvements, the organizer explained that the beauty of community was being open to possibilities one hadn’t yet realized one needed.
“We’re helping people discover new ways to connect.”
Several former participants have reportedly discovered a new way to connect as well. It involves sitting on a neighbor’s porch drinking beer.
An Unprecedented Expansion of Opportunities
A review of the fictional circles’ recent programming revealed a remarkable increase in activities, accompanied by a less remarkable increase in attendance.
One gathering, initially attended by twelve people, now regularly attracts five. Organizers describe the reduction as a successful transition toward greater intimacy.
“With twelve people, everyone wanted to talk,” explained a facilitator. “With five, we can really focus on the activities.”
Sources confirm that this has substantially reduced the inconvenience of spontaneous conversation.
Another circle recently introduced a rotating schedule designed to accommodate the diverse interests of its members. Participants now receive advance notice of each week’s activity, allowing them to determine whether they wish to attend.
Unfortunately, this has also allowed them to determine whether they wish to attend.
“Some people only come when we’re doing something they enjoy,” complained a fictional participant. “It’s disappointing because we’re trying to create a sense of community.”
The participant then proposed a workshop exploring why people seem unwilling to participate in activities they don’t enjoy.
The proposal received enthusiastic support from everyone present.
Both people.
The Mysterious Disappearance of the Founders
Perhaps the most troubling finding involves the circles’ original members, several of whom have quietly withdrawn from the very gatherings they helped establish.
Investigators initially suspected scheduling conflicts, travel, or insufficient commitment to personal development. However, interviews suggest a more disturbing possibility: some people may have actually preferred the circles before they were improved.
One former participant, speaking on condition of anonymity to protect his reputation for spiritual openness, admitted that he originally joined because he enjoyed talking with other people.
“I thought that was the whole point,” he said.
The admission has raised serious concerns about whether the community adequately communicates the transformative potential of its social gatherings.
A second former participant described becoming increasingly confused about the purpose of the weekly meetings.
“At first we talked about our lives. Then we started talking about how to talk about our lives. Eventually, we spent most of the evening preparing ourselves to talk about our lives.”
He has since joined an informal group where people discuss their lives without first establishing an intention.
Organizers have expressed concern about the lack of structure and whether the participants are achieving meaningful personal growth.
Consensus Reaches Historic Levels
Despite declining attendance, circle organizers report that agreement among remaining members has never been stronger.
“We used to have people who questioned the activities,” explained one participant. “But those people don’t come anymore. Now everyone is completely aligned.”
The group considers this a significant achievement in collective harmony.
An internal review found that 100 percent of current participants support the circle’s direction, although the survey did not include anyone who had stopped attending because they disliked that direction.
A proposal to contact former members was briefly considered but postponed after concerns were raised that their feedback might disrupt the positive energy of the gathering.
Instead, the circle elected to celebrate its newfound alignment with an additional guided meditation.
Observers note that this represents an important breakthrough in the ancient challenge of reaching consensus: rather than persuading people who disagree, it may be considerably more efficient to allow them to leave.
The resulting unanimity is particularly impressive when nobody bothers to count the people who are no longer there.
Community Leaders Consider Further Improvements
In response to the unexpected decline in participation, several fictional organizers have begun exploring innovative solutions.
One proposal involves establishing a Circle Engagement Committee to investigate why attendance has fallen despite the dramatic increase in available activities.
Another recommends surveying community members about which additional experiences might encourage them to participate.
A third suggests organizing a special retreat devoted to the importance of maintaining connection within intentional communities.
The retreat would include breathwork, meditation, guided movement, and a facilitated discussion about the dangers of overcomplicating human relationships.
There was some disagreement about whether massage should be included.
The matter has been referred to a working group.
Meanwhile, several residents have questioned whether the expanding circles may be unintentionally replacing the very experiences that originally made them appealing.
Their concerns were respectfully acknowledged and added to the agenda of a future meeting.
“It is essential that everyone feels heard,” explained one organizer. “We’re creating a safe space for people to express their authentic preferences.”
When asked whether this included the preference to simply sit around talking, the organizer paused.
“Of course. Although we’d probably want someone to facilitate that.”
A Troubling New Development
The investigation has also uncovered evidence of an emerging underground movement.
Across the community, small groups of residents have reportedly begun meeting informally without registering their activities, announcing intentions, or identifying any specific opportunities for personal transformation.
These gatherings frequently involve coffee, wine, and conversations that wander unpredictably between subjects.
Some participants have even been observed laughing without first engaging in a grounding exercise.
The movement appears to be growing.
“It’s very concerning,” said a fictional community wellness enthusiast. “These people are clearly seeking connection, but they’re doing absolutely nothing to optimize it.”
El Pepito attempted to investigate one such gathering and was immediately offered a chair.
After two hours of pleasant conversation, he realized nobody had introduced an activity, established an intention, or asked him to share how he was feeling in his body.
He found the experience surprisingly enjoyable, although he remains concerned that nobody seemed interested in his suggestions for improving it.
At press time, organizers of the original circles were reportedly discussing a new initiative to reconnect with former members.
The proposal involves creating a special gathering dedicated entirely to informal conversation, with no meditation, movement exercises, massage, or structured personal development.
The initiative has generated considerable excitement.
A planning committee has been established to determine how best to facilitate it.