Community scientists struggle to explain extraordinary bladder capacity as pool maintenance technician confronts increasingly complex chemical challenges.
Satire & Commentary
ECOVILLA SAN MATEO, Costa Rica — A quiet investigation into the community’s swimming pools has uncovered a remarkable physiological phenomenon: residents appear capable of consuming enormous quantities of liquid while immersed in water, yet demonstrate virtually no need to use a toilet.
The discovery has baffled observers, particularly given that the community has invested in fully functioning bathrooms conveniently located near its pools.
Investigators have been unable to confirm whether anyone has ever used them.
“We know the bathrooms exist,” explained one resident. “We’ve seen the doors. Some of us have even looked inside. But I’ve never actually witnessed anyone going in.”
The mystery deepens on weekends, when adults routinely consume three beers, several kombuchas, and an occasional coconut water without leaving the pool for hours.
Researchers have described this as either an extraordinary adaptation to tropical living or a serious misunderstanding of how swimming pools work.
Children Directed Toward Alternative Facilities
The investigation began after reports emerged that some children had been instructed to relieve themselves in nearby bushes rather than use the designated bathrooms.
The practice has apparently introduced an informal system of outdoor sanitation that residents have come to accept as part of the community’s connection with nature.
“It’s regenerative,” one parent reportedly explained. “We’re returning nutrients to the soil.”
Botanists contacted by El Pueblo’ito declined to endorse the program.
One child, asked why he never used the pool bathroom, appeared genuinely confused.
“There’s a bathroom?”
Investigators subsequently confirmed that the bathroom was located approximately twenty meters away uphill, a distance considered unreasonable by several children and apparently insurmountable by adults holding alcoholic beverages.
The Great Hydration Paradox
Perhaps the most extraordinary finding involves adults who spend entire afternoons drinking in the pool.
One resident was observed consuming three beers and three kombuchas over several hours without once exiting the water.
When questioned, the resident insisted that the tropical climate caused the body to process liquids differently.
“It’s the heat,” he explained. “You sweat everything out.”
Researchers pointed out that sweating underwater presents certain observational challenges.
The resident declined further comment, citing the need to open another beer.
The phenomenon appears most pronounced among individuals who occupy the same section of the pool for extended periods.
These residents often describe their experience as “deeply relaxing.”
Investigators have declined to speculate on why.
The Man Who Arrives the Next Morning
While residents enjoy the apparent suspension of basic human biology, someone still has to maintain the water.
Kevin, the community’s pool maintenance technician, handles the real work of pool care. In this fictional investigation, his workload would qualify as an extraordinary exercise in applied chemistry.
The pools use saltwater chlorination systems, which generate chlorine from dissolved salt to sanitize the water.
Under normal circumstances, the process is relatively straightforward.
Under circumstances involving dozens of swimmers, six beverages per person, and an apparent community-wide abandonment of bathroom facilities, the mathematics becomes considerably more interesting.
Maintaining the pools involves monitoring chlorine levels, pH, and other water-quality indicators. None of those readings can be improved by explaining how much everyone enjoyed the afternoon.
Saltwater Is Not a Magical Substance
Some residents have expressed confidence that saltwater pools are naturally self-cleaning.
This belief appears to stem from the assumption that anything involving salt must somehow resemble the ocean.
Saltwater pools still rely on chlorine to disinfect the water. Urine introduces compounds that react with chlorine and can contribute to irritating chloramines.
One resident, upon learning this, asked whether switching to Himalayan pink salt might improve the situation.
The question has been referred to the Wellness Committee.
A Community Divided Over Bathroom Access
Proposals to encourage bathroom use have met with mixed reactions.
Some residents favor installing additional signs reminding swimmers to exit the pool when nature calls.
Others argue that signage would undermine the community’s atmosphere of trust and personal freedom.
A proposal to install a sign reading “The Pool Is Not a Toilet” has reportedly been criticized for its unnecessarily confrontational tone.
A softer alternative, “We Invite You to Consider Where Your Fluids Go,” is currently under review.
An Unanswered Scientific Question
Despite extensive investigation, El Pueblo’ito has been unable to determine how adults can consume six beverages without ever needing to use a bathroom.
Nor has anyone successfully explained why children can locate a bush from fifty meters away but remain entirely unaware of a bathroom twenty meters uphill.
Kevin continues his work.
The chlorine generator continues producing chlorine.
The bathrooms remain available.
And somewhere in Ecovilla San Mateo, another resident has just opened a third kombucha without leaving the water.
Editor’s Note: The interviews and investigation are fictional. Saltwater pools still use chlorine. Please use the bathrooms. Read more about chloramines and pool water quality.